When was the last time you killed for a meal?

Hipster hunting doesn't mean what you think it means.

I've been doing it for about a year. And no, quarry doesn't wear flannel or a beard (although if it did, Portland would be rich game grounds).

Hipster hunting is hunting as a return to the past, as a return to authenticity, an homage to killing. It's hunting to personally experience what goes into every meal containing meat.

Because, let's face it, killing is something we've forgotten how to do.

Not as a society — as a people, we're quite adept at killing chickens, cows, pigs, the planet, whatever — but as individuals, we're bad at it. It's one of many things we've outsourced. When was the last time you wrung the neck of a bird? Or smashed a fish over the head with a wooden baton? Sounds brutal, right? A bit barbaric? But here's the thing: Chicken is GOOD. Fish is GOOD. Who would want to live without fish tacos? Almost every time I order a meal out, I get chicken, fish, lamb, a burger, something made of flesh. So really, each time I go out, I'm killing a chicken, a sheep, a cow. I mean, sure, I'm not the one chopping off its head — that work goes to someone else — but my hunger is the architect of death. I'm basically the chicken Gestapo.

Last night, I ordered a burger with bacon on top — not just cow, but a pig on a cow. I killed them, both in one meal. Devastation.

Earlier in the day, I grabbed a pair of Otto's pizza slices, one with bacon, the other turkey. Two more beasts — BAM! — gone.

Some days, my fork is set to full auto.

Now, I want to be clear: I have no problem with meat. We're built to eat it, and animals taste awesome. I want cows and chickens and pigs to live happy lives, but I don't think it's wrong to eat them.

But we have grown pretty far removed from our food. Some people plant gardens as a reminder of where their carrots come from, but I've never been good at half-measures. I signed up to take my proper place in the killing fields: I took a hunter safety course.

But like most half-baked hipster ideas, it's just not that easy. I've been stumbling around the woods for weeks, draped in blaze orange and dragging a 12-gauge, but I have yet to experience the primal mix of elation and guilt I imagine accompanies killing.

Hunting is HARD. It may seem like an unfair game — sweet woodland creatures up against a man with a loaded gun — but when the person hunting has no idea what he's doing, the woodland creatures do just fine. I've been out a dozen times, and I haven't shot a thing. I haven't even swung my gun to my shoulder. The only thing I've shot is a paper plate, and if it was moving, I'll bet money I'd miss.

I've seen game in the woods, but they are a lot faster than I am, a lot stealthier and probably a lot smarter. My best look is their backsides before they disappear into the underbrush.

On a recent trip, I got so lost I had to use a compass to find my way back to my car. I followed a course east to the river and then hopped boulders upstream until I came to a bridge. I was tired, thirsty and overheated by the time I got back to my car, and over my two-plus-hour adventure, I saw one bird. I didn't get more than a snap look at him. Trying to follow him, I nearly fell in a river. If it weren't for Hannaford's rotisserie oven, I'd be poultry-starved.

So hipster hunting is thus far not a resounding success. All my meat still comes ordered off a menu. I've found new respect for those who can actually go out and harvest something for the table, but my personal ethical escapade has been fruitless.

Killing. It's grisly business to be sure, but so far my tally is zero. Maybe I'll have better luck next week.

Last modified onSaturday, 28 January 2017 16:57