Politics & Other Mistakes (93)

If you don’t start drinkin’, I’m gonna leave

The other day, I did something I wouldn’t normally do. I bought a bottle of booze in Maine. Please don’t think less of me. I had no choice. I usually purchase my liquor in New Hampshire, where it’s almost always cheaper. My order arrives here via an underground railroad operated by a nefarious associate, who gets paid off in cocktails. Such transactions are illegal, immoral and bad for my liver, but I don’t care. The…

Life’ll kill ya

I have an excellent health-care plan. As long as I don’t get sick. Like most Mainers, I find medical appointments to be an expensive luxury I can afford only if I don’t make them. To that end, I do my best to avoid my doctor, because interactions with the health-care community produce all sorts of unpleasant consequences: diets, exercise regimens, prescription medications with weird side effects, suggestions that I zip my lip and listen to…

LePage Won't Do It

Paul LePage is jerking you around.   I know, that’s not news. Maine’s Republican governor and vitriol-spewing mutant zucchini spends an inordinate amount of time jerking people around. Just because it’s your turn shouldn’t make you feel special.   Actually, LePage isn’t even singling you out for this particular jerking. You’re just collateral damage. The real jerks in this case are independent U.S. Sen. Angus King and GOP state Sen. Eric Brakey, his party’s only…

A Dirty Rotten Past?

Let’s say you wanted to liven up your next party by featuring a Donald Trump impersonator. Your budget doesn’t allow for hiring the likes of Alec Baldwin. Johnny Depp would drink all your booze and punch out your guests. Donald Jr. might do, but he probably has a scheduling conflict due to an appointment with some Russians.   Despair not. There’s a locally grown alternative who works cheap and can nail the Trump agenda.  …

Triumphs and tragedies

It’s important to have goals in life. Mine are: Sleep late. Drink beer. Repeat. My success in fulfilling these lofty ambitions is somewhat mitigated by the fact that I’m an irresponsible slug. Presumably, the Maine Legislature doesn’t fall in the same category. Surely, our representatives and senators are people of strong character, constantly striving to meet the high standards the public expects of its leaders. Except maybe president. And governor. Unlike some chief executives, legislators…

Dreaming of a Magical LePage

Let’s consider the unimaginable. Let’s pretend Republican Gov. Paul LePage is a rational human being with some semblance of political skill. Also, fairies are real, Tim Tebow is a decent baseball player and the paper industry will be returning to East Millinocket next month with even more high-paying jobs. Alas, none of that is true, particularly with regard to LePage, who regularly torpedoes his own agenda by acting like a petulant child. Ironically, these outbursts…

Fortune-telling Fools

Predicting the future isn’t easy. If it was, all those expert prognosticators wouldn’t have been so wrong about flying cars, food pills, the Chicago Cubs’ chances to repeat as World Series champions and Hillary Clinton’s electability. Not to mention the weekend weather. Even so, it’s not all that difficult to prepare for what promises to be an uncertain tomorrow. Don’t invest in anything with the words cold fusion, “lose weight without dieting” or J.C. Penney…

A Numbers Game

To avoid lawyers, move to Piscataquis County. According to the state Board Of Bar Overseers (BOBO), there are only eight attorneys in that huge chunk of territory, a mere .004 percent of the population. The counties that are next closest to being lawyer-free zones are Oxford and Somerset (both .007 percent) and Franklin (.009 percent — although I share a house with one of them). The counties where you’re most likely to encounter attorneys are,…

Kingdom of gettin’ it wrong

Would Mary Mayhew make a good governor? Hell, no. Republican Mayhew, who recently resigned after six years as commissioner of the Department of Health and Human Services so she could announce her gubernatorial ambitions, has an interesting resume. She’s been an active Democrat, directing a 1990 congressional campaign, working for Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton and serving as a congressional aide. She’s also lobbied for the Maine Hospital Association, which strongly supports Medicaid expansion, the…

Gods and Monsters

Politics is such a contentious topic right now, it appears nobody can agree on anything. Let’s turn down the temperature a bit by discussing something less controversial: Religion. Or, more precisely, the lack thereof. The 1st Amendment to the U.S. Constitution guarantees us the freedom to worship any deity we choose. Yahweh. Jesus. Allah. Buddha. The Great Spirit. The sun. A volcano. Mr. Wednesday on “American Gods.” The government is prohibited from meddling in spiritual…
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