Politics & Other Mistakes (93)

Time to leave

If you think there’s a housing crisis in Portland, your idea of what constitutes a crisis is seriously warped. Compared to a real shortage of accommodations, Portland is a home-hunter’s paradise. For an example of a place where it’s almost impossible to find shelter, try visiting GOPville. Here are some nearly factual excerpts from Craigslist postings offering Republican rentals:“If you don’t believe Obama is a Muslim, you won’t be living here.” “Potential renters will be…

Illusion of progress

I usually don’t enjoy debunking what appears to be good news. So when my wife tells me we’re using less heating oil this year, I see no reason to mention it’s because the furnace is broken.   If she compliments me for only sipping a couple beers during a long Sunday of watching football, there’s no need to speculate that it might have something to do with those shots of bourbon I gulped whenever she…

System failure

Even Paul LePage, Republican governor and cloud of alien flatulence, knows referendums are bad. That’s because LePage keeps a three-ring binder showing 90 percent of Maine’s referendum questions are written by African-Americans and Hispanics from out of state, which explains why they contain words like “popo,” “bae” and “fleek.” That inner-city slang could only have been brought here by drug dealers from Massachusetts, Connecticut and New York.   Or, possibly, poseur white kids.   But…

Pot of gold

“Caregiver” is a lovely word. It conveys all that’s best about humanity, such as our capacity for compassion, selflessness and quality TV programming. On the other hand, “dope dealer” is an ugly term, carrying connotations of greed, corruption and sports-talk radio. Strangely enough, in Maine, caregivers and dope dealers are often the same people. It’s as if “Masterpiece Theater” was suddenly interrupted by audio from “The Herd with Colin Cowherd.” As the state prepares to…

When bad choices happen to good people

Here’s why you should vote Democratic this election:   1. Republican 2nd District U.S. Rep. Bruce Poliquin hates campers. “These are not my kind of people,” Poliquin allegedly told the owner of a proposed campground in Phippsburg 15 years ago in justifying his opposition to licensing what he called “a trailer park” next to a high-end resort he was trying to establish.   2. GOP Gov. Paul LePage has been an excellent governor – from…

Can’t make me

I won’t be writing a column this week.   Not because I’m ill.   Not because I’ve been suspended for making inappropriate comments. And not because there’s nothing going on in Maine politics worth ridiculing.   The reason I’m taking a sabbatical is the result of studying the management philosophy at the state Department of Health and Human Services. Which can be summarized as follows: If we don’t feel like doing our jobs, we just…

Breaking the habit

Must fight the urge to write – once again! – about Paul LePage’s idiocy.   Must resist the compulsion to pile more derision on Maine’s beleaguered Republican governor and giant decaying puffball. Must turn my attention elsewhere, even if it hurts.   I’ll (gasp, wheeze) try.   But like the opioids imported into this state by Massachusetts and New York drug dealers of questionable ethnicity, making fun of LePage is horribly addictive. I can’t quit…

Damage report

Who still loves Paul LePage, Maine’s poutine-for-brains excuse for a governor?   Criminal defense lawyers, that’s who.   On Aug. 26, LePage handed every person of color arrested for drug offenses in this state a gold-plated get-out-of-jail-free card. A black or Hispanic dope peddler could be driving up the Maine Turnpike in a van with “United Heroin Service” printed on the side and speakers on the roof blaring the Tubes’ “White Punks On Dope,” and…

Staking out terrorists in Maine

I was keeping an eye out for terrorists. And what better place to do so than the tap room of a brewery on Lewiston’s Lisbon Street.   Also, I was watching for welfare cheats, since, according to Gov. Paul LePage, they’re much the same thing. After recent news reports revealed that an Iranian refugee who once lived in Maine had been killed in Lebanon last year while fighting for the Islamic State, LePage announced he…

Atlantic crossing

Right now, it’s the exact same time here in Maine as it is in Michigan, which is roughly a zillion miles away. That’s because both states are in the Eastern Time Zone, us at the extreme eastern edge and them at the far western boundary.   The reason two such disparate places (Detroit has Lions and Tigers, Maine has Black Bears) got lumped together in the same zone has more to do with politics than…
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