Welcome to History 101 at Trump University. I’m your professor, Gov. Paul LePage.
In this class, you’ll learn the true history of the United States, free of political correctness and so-called scientific facts. After completing this course, you’ll see the world in a new light. A white light.
Let’s start where our problems began — with the Big Bang. This was a socialist plot to redistribute all matter equally, a sort of cosmic Medicaid expansion. Under this Marxist scheme, galaxies populated by welfare-loafing aliens got as many molecules as those inhabited by hard-working Americans. This manipulation was solar-powered, a left-wing experiment in expensive alternative energy. And don’t get me started on dark matter. And black holes. We wouldn’t have drug problems if that stuff had been eliminated.
On the other hand, there were white dwarf stars. Sort of like Congressman Bruce Poliquin. Only brighter.
Eventually, the earth formed. Great heroes like Adam and Eve (see, I included a woman), King Arthur and Charlemagne conquered the dinosaurs and established human civilization. Next came the Roman Empire, which had excellent roads and jobs for everyone as gladiators or supporting actors in lion-related entertainments. Unfortunately, the Romans weren’t vigilant enough, which allowed dusky-hued barbarians with names like D-Goth and Smoothie the Hun to sack Rome and impregnate white girls.
Not all the important events were taking place in Europe. The Chinese invented chop suey and also a wall to keep out immigrants. The Arabs get credit for arithmetic and camels. And the Russians created roulette.
Meanwhile down in Africa, black people developed rap music and crack cocaine.
Our white ancestors were no slouches. In 1492, they sent Christopher Columbus to discover Caribbean vacation resorts.
The New World that Columbus found already had some people in it. But they were uncivilized, lacking such innovations as progressive rock, Wi-Fi, and venereal disease. For reasons I cannot understand, those savages have never thanked us for bestowing these gifts upon them.
Soon after, settlers from England arrived. Let me be clear: These people were not immigrants because they were white, they spoke English, and they weren’t Muslims. They established 13 colonies, such as Atlantic City and Miami Beach. Unfortunately back in Britain, the liberal elite decided to raise taxes to pay for health care for the shiftless. This burden forced the colonists, under the capable leadership of George Washington and Rutherford B. Hayes, to revolt. There were battles in Lexington, Concord and maybe Appomattox, after which the British surrendered and went off to torture people in South Africa and India.
The newly independent Americans, including Benjamin Franklin and Ulysses S. Grant, then drafted a Constitution that said all white men were created equal, But not women (except for Eve). Blacks were three-fifths equal. Indians weren’t close to equal, but were promised Oklahoma, which hadn’t been discovered yet. Did the ungrateful wretches thank the white men? No, they didn’t.
Life in the fledgling United States wasn’t easy. The British attacked again in 1812, but were defeated by brilliant generals like Andrew Jackson and George Patton. The Louisiana Purchase turned out to be another public lands boondoggle (most of it wasn’t even in Louisiana), but luckily President Aaron Burr refused to release the bonds needed to pay for it, and the French sold it to Mexico instead. In the Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln personally led the troops to victory at Gettysburg, thereafter making that his permanent address. This freed the slaves and began an era of racial harmony that was only disrupted by the recent arrivals of asylum seekers and other melanin-heavy agitators.
In World War I, the U.S. bailed out the Brits and the French, thanks to brilliant leadership from President Winston Churchill and the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, who ended the conflict by nuking Japan, thereby halting the need to pay licensing fees to their creators. Or maybe that was World War II. No matter, because President Ronald Reagan ended the Cold War by defeating ISIS, which brings us to the present, where we face our greatest challenge:
In 2018, how am I going to run against both Sen. Angus King and Rep. Chellie Pingree at the same time?