Hot in Herre — Tips for Getting Down When the Temperature is Up

It’s no secret that summer days in Maine are gorgeous, precious, fleeting things. Billboards, brochures, and travel guides obsess over this fact: So much sun! Look, a lighthouse! The rugged coastline! Charming seaside lobster shacks!

But however idyllic the daytime might be, the season has a shadow side: hellishly hot, humid nights. Unless you’re a member of the petite bourgeoisie willing and able to spring for a window A/C unit, chances are you’ve spent plenty of nights in bed, tossing and turning in an apartment you’re probably paying too much for, praying for a cross breeze that never seems to bring relief.

But in spite of the oppressive humidity that threatens to suffocate us all from time to time, the urge to knock boots with somebody cute persists. Still wanna get down when it’s too hot to? Desperate to avoid that hilarious fart sound two sweaty chests make when air gets forced from in-between them? Beat the heat with these sexy strategies:

What’s cooler than being cold? The only acceptable answer to that question is, of course, “ice cold” (OutKast, 2003). So if you want to cool off, you can try some sensation play with an ice cube, popsicle, or another cold object. Some people find this to be especially fun in tandem with a form of sensory deprivation, such as a blindfold. As always, just make sure you’re having a conversation about what’s going to happen with your partner before you get started. And if you or your partner has a vagina, keep popsicles a healthy distance away — that’s a yeast infection waiting to happen.

Too hot to stand physical contact? Mutual masturbation enables you to keep your personal space bubble intact while still getting off with your partner. Let go, talk dirty, and keep an eye on what your partner does to get themselves off — you might pick up a thing or two to try next time the temperature is reasonable enough to allow for skin-to-skin contact.

Sweaty (and horny) after a hike on one of Portland’s many scenic trails? Get clean and get off in a cool shower. While I am of the personal opinion that shower sex is wildly overrated, it does work for lots of folks and, if you’re environmentally inclined, arguably reduces water consumption by condensing two individual showers into one. One last thing: don’t be afraid to bring actual lube into the shower, because as anyone who’s ever tried it will tell you, water alone really doesn’t do the job.

Have a friend who’s going out of town? Figure out which of your friends have air conditioners. Subtly map out their vacation schedules. Generously offer to housesit. I think you can figure it out from there.

Like living on the edge? Drag an ottoman, end table, or other appropriately-sized piece of furniture close to your bed. Precariously balance a tower fan on top, aim it toward where you plan on getting to know each other biblically, and set it to oscillate. Because your bed isn’t near any convenient outlets, the cord to the fan will probably be stretched to its limit to reach as close to you and your partner as possible — ignore this clear safety hazard and proceed anyway. Inevitably, one of you will catch the cord with a stray arm or leg and bring the whole delicate operation crashing down, causing one or both of you to let out an embarrassing yelp of surprise and pissing off your downstairs neighbors. But it will be worth it, probably. I can’t say for sure. This is purely hypothetical and I am definitely not speaking from experience. Or multiple experiences.

So there you have it, five tried-and-true ways to make it through the dog days of summer without your sex life having to suffer for it.

Have some more suggestions to share with the greater Portland community? Send them in along with your sex and relationship questions to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. and you may be featured in a future column.

Last modified onMonday, 10 July 2017 15:30