Politics & Other Mistakes: Primarily worthless

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On March 4, you’re going to need a scanning electron microscope to find any mention of the previous day’s Maine presidential primary results in the national news. The reason is simple:

Maine doesn’t matter.

This state will be something less than an afterthought on March 3, “Super Tuesday,” because all the attention will be focused on places like California, Massachusetts, Texas and Virginia. Even Alabama is going to attract more coverage than Maine. The only way we’ll get the slightest notice is if something really weird happens, like a big win for Tulsi Gabbard.

Nevertheless, this is our only chance to help decide who the nominees for president are going to be, so by all means, go to the polls and engage in this exercise in futility.

For Republicans, this is particularly unnecessary. There’s only one name on the GOP ballot. If you’re disinclined to be complicit in the outrages perpetrated by the incumbent orange snot-ball, your options are limited. You can stay home. Or you can do what U.S. Sen. Susan Collins said she did in 2016 and write in Paul Ryan. That might be effective if anybody remembered who Ryan is. Otherwise, I suppose there’s Mitt Romney.

For Democrats, the choices are more numerous, but no less grim.

U.S. Sen. Bernie Sanders of Vermont, a socialist with hair nearly as wild as his economic policies, and Pete Buttigieg, the former mayor of someplace I can never remember and can’t be bothered to look up, are the frontrunners, thanks to one of them having maybe, sorta gotten the most delegates in the Iowa mud-wrestling contest and the other one winning the New Hampshire snowmobile races. They’re both presidential in much the same sense that Bruce Poliquin is tall.

Of course, the current occupant of the White House has made such a requirement irrelevant.

Other Democratic candidates include Joe Biden, who claims he was once vice president, which is entirely possible given that he appears clueless. If U.S. Sen. Amy Klobuchar of Minnesota won the election, she’d immediately be dubbed “President Klobs.” I kinda like that. Former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg used to be a Republican and a racist. He is, however, still rich. U.S. Sen. Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts was considered a serious contender until it was discovered she’s a woman. Tom Steyer is wealthy, but not nearly wealthy enough to overcome a massive infection of uninspiring. And finally, there’s Gabbard of Hawaii, who’s a congresswoman and, uh, yeah, she’s a congresswoman.

Among those on the ballot, but technically deceased are Andrew Yang, a rich tech executive, who had to drop out after voters realized Mark Zuckerberg already controls the country, so who needs a second-rate version; inspirational speaker Marianne Williamson, whose name appears only because the spirits failed to warn her she’d no longer be running by the time Mainers got to vote; U.S. Sen. Cory Booker, who is still there even though his candidacy got flushed down the toilet weeks ago, and former Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick, who stopped running before anybody realized he was running.

Also, 2nd District U.S. Rep. Jared Golden, for some odd reason, endorsed Colorado U.S. Sen. Michael Bennet, who wasn’t even on Maine’s ballot and who, shortly after Golden’s announcement, dropped out.

If you aren’t enrolled in a party, you aren’t eligible to vote for any of these people, which may be the strongest argument yet against enrolling in a party. Unenrolled voters, however, can sign up to be a Republican or Democrat on Election Day, which allows you to let your voice not be heard when this state’s results are buried under the returns from more populous places.

In spite of that discouraging reality, there is one other reason to go to the polls on March 3. That’s Question 1, the vaccine referendum, which would allow people to avoid getting their children immunized because they don’t believe in science and don’t care about spreading diseases to other folks.

They’ll be voting “yes.” You should be voting “no.” Even if you’re also voting for Tulsi Gabbard.

My primary interest is reading emails sent to [email protected].

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