Politics & Other Mistakes: Stone crazy

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The tourism industry in Maine claims it’s been devastated by the pandemic. Nothing could be further from the truth.

(Keep that word – truth – in mind when assessing the following information. As with toilet paper and cleaning supplies, shortages may occur.)

During the boom years before COVID-19, this state attracted visitors from across the nation and around the world – with one glaring exception. In spite of an extensive advertising campaign, nobody from North Korea ever vacationed in Maine.

This may have been due to a marketing mistake. The slogan the state’s language-impaired ad executives chose to promote Maine’s many attractions translated into Korean as “More or Less as Depressing as Home.”

To the average citizen of the Democratic People’s Republic, these slick commercials elicited images of poverty (not entirely inaccurate), famine (just try getting a reservation at the Lost Kitchen), and intrusive government oversight (the Maine State Police’s special intelligence-gathering unit at your service). Better to take the family on holiday in Iran.

Now, however, there’s been a breakthrough.

According to an impeccable source (he had his prison sentence for lying to authorities, intimidating witnesses, and obstructing a congressional investigation commuted by no less a pinnacle of veracity than the president of the United States), boatloads of North Koreans have been visiting Maine and engaging in our culture in the most fundamental way.

Roger Stone, a former political adviser to Donald Trump, appeared on the “Alex Jones Show” earlier this month to announce the heretofore unnoticed arrival of these North Korean tourists.

“I just learned of incontrovertible evidence of North Korean boats delivering ballots through a harbor in Maine, the state of Maine,” Stone said. “If this checks out, if law enforcement looked into that and it turned out to be true, it would be proof of foreign involvement in the election.”

This was remarkable news, and not simply because of the difficulty the North Koreans must have had in reaching Maine. Did they cross the entire Pacific Ocean, maneuver through the Panama Canal, and work their way up the east coast of Central and North America? Or did they sail all the way around southern Asia, manage to make their way up the Suez Canal, and brave the Mediterranean Sea and the stormy Atlantic Ocean?

No matter. The important news is they got here, and they came bearing the gift of all those ballots, thereby boosting Maine’s voter turnout to the highest in the nation.

Thanks, Little Rocket Man.

Let’s discuss those extra votes. No trace of them has ever been found, not even by Trump’s own Department of Justice. But I think we can safely conclude they were all marked in support of Democrat Joe Biden for president because everyone knows the North Koreans adore Joe. Also, why would Roger Stone even care if those fake votes were all for Trump? He’s never before displayed any moral outrage when his side was caught cheating.

Considering the election results, there may have been a few glitches further down those counterfeit ballots. Perhaps the North Koreans, being used to having only one choice when they vote, became confused by the multiple options offered in Maine’s race for U.S. Senate. That would explain why Republican incumbent Sen. Susan Collins, who trailed in nearly every pre-election poll, somehow pulled off a solid victory over her commie-preferred Democratic opponent, Sara Gideon. The North Koreans must have filled in the wrong oval.

Wait a minute. Maybe it wasn’t North Koreans, at all. Maine GOP state Chairwoman Demi Kouzounas told a Portland radio station the meddlers were actually Chinese.

“(COVID-19) was unleashed on us because (the Chinese) knew if the economy stayed strong the way it was going, that our president, Donald Trump, would be reelected with huge numbers,” Kouzounas said. “I believe that for sure. I also feel that they had a hand in our elections.”

Maybe that’s because Kouzounas, who has obvious difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality, also finds it tough to tell Chinese and North Koreans apart.

Now if Maine could only convince some mullahs from Iran to vacation in Ogunquit. If you’ve got suggestions, email them to [email protected].

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