Politics & Other Mistakes: The second (or third) coming

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It’s time to recalibrate our definition of “far-right fanatic.”

According to the assessment of a person I’ll get to in a moment, former Republican Gov. Paul LePage and unsuccessful independent U.S. Senate candidate Max Linn no longer qualify, because they’ve been seen in public wearing “face diapers.” Also, LePage worked as a bartender serving demon alcohol.

The Christian Civic League of Maine fails the test because, in spite of its name, it’s “ashamed” of its Christian faith.

Groups such as the National Organization for Marriage and Focus on Family fall short because they refuse to confront all forms of sexual immorality destroying this country.

But don’t worry, fringe-dwellers, a new champion has emerged to save you from sin and degradation. Actually, it’s an old champion. And “champion” might not be the right word, because it’s been a long time since he’s come close to winning any battles.

Nevertheless, Michael Heath is running for governor.

For those unfamiliar with Heath, he’s the former executive director of the Civic League. “Years ago,” he wrote on his website, “I was the most well known Christian political figure in Maine. I kicked the sodomites around for a couple decades.”

Heath left the league in 2009 because he felt it had become too wimpy (his actual term was “womanized”) in opposing everything having to do with sex. He’d been disciplined by the group in 2004 for asking supporters to send him “tips, rumors, speculation and facts” about the sexual orientation of state leaders.

Unrestrained by the CCLM’s womanly propriety, Heath has since set new standards for extremism. In 2013, he told reporters, “Maine is being sodomized by the left, especially our impressionable and innocent children.” In 2016, he launched a referendum campaign to repeal all civil rights laws covering sexual orientation. Even though this initiative went nowhere, his rhetoric was outrageous enough to cause the Southern Poverty Law Center to list his campaign organization, Maine Resistance, as a hate group.

Recently, Heath began hinting on social media that he was being urged to run for governor. “Satan,” he wrote, “it may be that your enemy, Jesus Christ, wants me to cast Jezebel Janet Kills out of Maine’s governor’s mansion.”

“Janet Kills” is Heath’s nickname for Democratic Gov. Janet Mills, apparently because she supports legal abortions. He also refers to her on his website as “a God-hating demon.”

In a private email to supporters, Heath announced, “God released me to run (for governor) on Saturday, January 9, 2021.” He proclaimed his quest for the Republican nomination (possibly involving a GOP primary against LePage) as a “Holy War,” then added, “I am willing to die for this campaign. … I am not being melodramatic.” On his website, Heath claimed, “The head of the snake must be chopped off. Kills (Mills) is the head.” He called for a “political exorcism in Maine.”

Does that evoke memories of those creeps who vandalized the U.S. Capitol? It should. “On Wednesday, it got real in the Capitol,” Heath wrote. “But that’s nothing compared to what’s coming if the global communist cabal doesn’t slow down and recalibrate.”

Who are some of the members of this cabal? Heath lists them as “the Roman Catholic/Jewish triumvirate – Schumer, Pelosi and Biden.” (Oddly enough, Heath also announced he’d recently converted from evangelical Protestant to Roman Catholic, apparently without catching any of those commie cooties.)

What would a Heath administration look like? As governor, he’d “start by banning abortion and sodomy.” Then, he’d confront all that fake news about COVID-19. “I would NEVER close churches over a totally political and unscientific scamdemic. And as Governor I will submit to the God of Christianity.”

Guess who’s sitting at the right hand of that God.

“We’re going to lead Maine people through this Red Sea of communism into Donald Trump’s new Christian constitutional republic.”

That’ll be paradise – unless you’re gay, lesbian, transgendered, a woman, a Muslim, a Jew, even slightly susceptible to deadly viruses or not insane. Also, it might be problematic if you’re just unmarried and horny.

If that makes you nervous, you could pray, drink, or email [email protected].

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