Politics & Other Mistakes: Total recall

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The way we hold elections isn’t fair to one group of voters:

Stupid people.

Whenever we schedule votes for city and town offices, we do so without taking into account the difficulties clunkheads have in deciding who to support. Dopey folks don’t pay much attention to issues that don’t affect them directly — and even then, they only really care about how much more they’ll have to pay in taxes and whether they can avoid hooking up to the sewer system and just keep on dumping raw waste in their backyards.

They lead simple, uncomplicated lives devoid of the worries and frustrations of their brainier neighbors. So, when those worries and frustrations slam into them, it’s always a big surprise.

Al DiamonTheir shield of ignorance breaks down once they discover their kids are learning about stuff they weren’t even aware existed. Like calculus and transgender people. Then along comes some crackpot to inform them that calculus is woke arithmetic and transgender perverts are going to molest their children in restrooms and steal all their sports trophies.

These outrages, they’re told, are a direct result of decisions by their school boards to allow kids to choose their own pronouns and librarians to stock books that deal with critical race theory and gender identity.

This is not the America stupid people grew up in. Back then, there weren’t any trans people, and if you wanted porn, you had to find it on the internet. You certainly didn’t expect it to turn up in the library.

When dumb-ass parents confront school board members about these affronts to decency, they often find them unsympathetic. They refuse to ban books or athletes from competing in a gender other than the one they were born with. That leaves the moral morons with only one alternative:

Tucker Carlson.

Oops, he’s been fired. Time for Plan B: a recall election to oust the liberal scum and elect some knuckle-draggers to fire the librarians and stand at restroom doors checking genitals.

Trouble is, in Maine, recalling local elected officials isn’t easy, particularly for dunces who probably didn’t bother to vote. School board members can only be booted from office if they’re convicted of a crime and if 10 percent of voters in the last gubernatorial election sign petitions to have them removed. Then, a vote is scheduled and if a majority of those casting ballots agree, they’re out on their asses.

Too complicated. Too much like calculus. By the time all that happens, there won’t be a kid left in town who isn’t transgender. Fortunately, a couple of legislators have introduced bills to make it easier to suppress deviant opinions.

Rep. Barbara Bagshaw (R-Windham) and Rep. John Andrews (R-Middle Ages) are sponsoring measures allowing the recall of any school board member for any reason, including poor fashion choices or membership in the ACLU. These proposed laws stand little chance of passage in the Democrat-dominated Legislature, but if they did, what a stupid-fest of fun we’d be in for.

Immediately after a new school board member was sworn in, he or she or whatever could be subjected to a recall campaign started by anybody who didn’t like the election results. The potential is there for every board member more progressive than Ted Cruz to spend their entire time in office fending off right-wing attempts to get them fired.

Or as Bagshaw characterized it during a public hearing, it “would bring greater transparency and good government because members would be less likely to take actions averse to the wishes of their constituents if they know their constituents have options.”

Of course, their constituents (big word, but don’t worry stupid people, it just means “voters in their district”) already have options. They could recruit candidates to run against unresponsive officials in the next election. They could help those candidates campaign by convincing their neighbors to support them. They could somehow remind themselves to go to the polls and cast ballots for book burners and transphobes — if, that is, they can remember which name to check off.

That method doesn’t require any new laws. But it does demand some smartening up. Of course, if the stupid people did that, they wouldn’t need recall elections.

If you’ve read any good dirty books lately, send recommendations to [email protected].

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