The Universal Notebook: A pandemic polemic

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Good morrow, good riddance, ta-ta, 2020.
You, Trump and COVID, we’re sick of you plenty.
We’ve had enough sickos to last a lifetime and more.
Time now to see what ’21 has in store.

Beemster the All-Seeing, All-Knowing Cheese
Looks deep into the tea leaves and here’s what he sees:
Come spring we’ll all have the vaccine,
But we’ll still have to wear masks and keep our hands clean.
But away with the virus, the gloom and the doom,
The virtual classrooms and the meetings on Zoom.
We all want Black Lives to Matter and not QAnon.
In fact we wish all crackpots gone.
Speaking of pot, in this state full of loners
Dope’s now our No. 1 crop, so smoke up, you stoners!
We all want some normal, whatever normal may be.
Going out to lunch will be a good start for me.
Of course, we’ll all still have to deal
With how four years of chaos made America feel.
But the Don and his henchmen won’t get very far
As jail time looms over Flynn, Pompeo, Pence, Barr.
Of course, the Orange Man will issue a blanket pardon
To his whole crime family in the viral Rose Garden.
His $400 million note will come due, no doubt,
But his man squeeze Vlad Putin will bail Trumpie out.
Mitch McConnell will likely maintain his GOP hold
As long as Susie Two-shoes does what she’s told.
Here in Bill Green’s Maine so verdant and pure
The Republican Party will keep slinging manure,
While Democrats get the last laugh, ha-ha-ha!
Thanks to Gov. Mills, science, and the great Dr. Shah!
CMP will continue its faux “clean energy” shenanigans
Led by likable CEO codger David T. Flanagan.
And my final prediction, with God as my witness,
That brew pub in Bethel will go outa bidness,
Which is no more than what the owners deserve
For refusing the public health interest to serve.
And when it comes to scofflaws and COVID disasters
We foresee the unmasking of all pandemic pastors!

As we cross into a New Year at last
Let us now remember some of those who have passed:
Bless you, Maine COVID victims, all 200-plus.
God’s speed. We know it could still be us.
Farewell, David Driskell, Herman Cain,
Kobe and Kookie and Giscard D’Estaing,
Alex Trebek, Orson Bean, crooner John Prine,
Mighty Joe Morgan and Al “Mr. Tiger” Kaline.
Game over, Don Larsen, Bob Gibson, Tom Seaver.
Complete game, Whitey Ford. No need for reliever.
We lost our dear friends Earl and Mary Rose,
And Chief Carl Winslow’s life came to a close
As did that of Yarmouth’s favorite homeboy,
The courageous hockey star Travis M. Roy.
Gone Mayor John Jenkins & poet Lee Sharkey,
For now we see through a glass darkly.
Call Joe Bornstein! Salute Notorious RBG!
Jump, Eddie Van Halen! They’ve all been set free! 

So Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Kwanza, and Festivus,
(The holy day for Seinfeld and some of the rest of us.)
And as Solstice sets the dark nights a-Twitter,
Wish Muslim friends a Happy Eid al Fitr.
December 27, don’t forget, is National Fruitcake Day,
Set aside to honor Rudy G. so they say.
In 2021 let’s pray peace and justice are ridin’
The coattails of President-elect Joseph Biden.
No more racism, self-dealing, cheating and lies,
Just a COVID-free world and endless blue skies! 

Edgar Allen Beem has been writing The Universal Notebook weekly since 2003, first for The Forecaster and now for the Phoenix. He also writes the Art Seen feature.

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